stream of consiousness: rage, pain, suicide, and cruelty

a song came on the radio on the way to work today. it was a song dedicated to the fair, equal, and respectful treatment of women.
i cant think of anything that is treated fairly in this world. it's heartbreaking.
i just want to fix it all. go out there and change society, take away the hurt and the pain... it seams pointless almost. i feel like results take too long to occur and are often ignored.
just last night i was looking for a makeup brush, my first offical one, and being vegan, these things can be sort of tricky.
I found a few that i liked and in the process of checking if they were cruelty free, i found out what it means to test on animals.
they don't test at all, they torture; force feeding the animals, mainly bunnies, the product to the point of death. testing the product in the eyes and on shaved skin to get the point of irritation results. in china it is the law to test on animals before the product is sold. my favorite company, aveda, is owned by estelauder which is sold in china. when the animals are no longer needed for study their necks are broken.
when i learned this, i freaked.
forced feed the animals until they die from poisoning. i looked at my shampoo and thought, some animal had to drink this until they died.
what is wrong with this planet? what has happened to us?


just days ago i watched a video regaurding the ill treatment of the lgbt community. it asked the community the hard questions like "is being gay a choice?" and "if you could choose which would you pick?"
it was shoking but not really supprising what the answers were...it reminded me of myself and my own feelings.

I didn't choose to be who i am, I didnt choose to be born. I hate this world i live in and the people i support everyday ignorantly.
I hate the lack of compassion and my craving for freedom from the slavery of money and institutions. i hate it when people tell me to be positive.
being positive is torture in itself.
how can one be realistic and positive at the same time? in my opinion it is almost condicending.

IT'S TORTURE TO BE TOLD THAT THERE IS A HEVEAN WAITING FOR ME AFTER I DIE, BUT IM NOT ALLOWED TO COMMIT SUICIDE. I HAVE TO ENDURE THIS HELL OF A PLANET FOR AS LONG AS MY BODY WILL ALLOW ME FIRST.
I'M TOLD THAT THERE IS A GOD THAT LOVES AND ADORES ME THE WAY I WAS CREATED TO BE, BUT IF IM GAY HE BETRAYS AND ABANDONS ME.

I GO THROUGH THE PAIN OF CHILDBIRTH AND 16 YEARS LATER IM THE WORST MOM ON EARTH.

MY DESIRES AND MY HOPES WILL GO UNNOTICED IN THIS DEAD DREARY PLACE. NOTHING I THINK MATTERS. NO ONE CARES.
RIGHT?

WHO ARE MY FRIENDS REALLY?
OUT OF THE HANDFULL, WHO IS STILL WITH ME?
WHEN I DO PASS, WHO WILL REMEMBER ME?
WILL THAT MATTER?


I think to myself, "I need a therapist".
I realize that this is my therapy.
Maybe someone who needs it, will read and relate. After all, we are all in this together. Every living thing on every part of the planet all breathing this toxic air, drinking toxic water, and trying their best with what they were given.

I can look at my son and see the universe. His eyes are the brightest innocent blue. His skin is bright and soft and beautiful. He is learning, talking, and his hair is growing in a pale yellow color. I just want to hold him until he falls asleep and rests his head on my shoulder. He breaths in the same air as I do and I want to clean it before it reaches him. The first time I saw him I broken in two. My heart filled up with so much love that it poured out my eyes and nose.
I have never felt more alive in my whole life then that moment.
I will never give up because of him.
That is my promise to him.


This age/era of awakening has been painful.
I am not the same person I was yesterday, every new peice of information changes me. I am cynical, passionately outraged, and peacefully protesting.

reflection

Max and I recently decided that we will not be going to Benihana ever again. We went for our anniversary this month and I couldn’t bare to watch the chief cut and cook meat in front of me. It almost made me cry. I felt a little embarrassed because the couple sitting across from me started to notice my discomfort. It’s crazy to think that just last year I would have never seen myself abstain from animal products in any way. It has been some journey. All I know is, this is the life I want to live. I just wish I had done it sooner.

Check in- thu, july 24th, 2014. 5:20am

I haven't slept yet.
My alarm will go off in an hour.
I'm exhausted but my brain won't shut off.
I keep thinking about my future...school, work, Harrison.
I want to move away.
I want to earn a living by living.
I'm so restless. All this thinking and I haven't thought of anything yet.
ugh.
Status: shaken, restless, tired. Hopeless, anxious, nervous. Full of ideas and on an empty stomach.

Tom Hanks Performs Slam Poem About "Full House" (Late Night with Jimmy F...

H.E.L.P

Hope I can get rid of this feeling... I'm
Holding my insides tight with my...
Hands are wringing with anxiety and...this
Helplessness is starting to sink in...

Eager to get rid of memories of you.
Elevated blood pressure at the thought of you.
Entire poems reeking with the stench of you.
Exhausted from sleepless nights because of you.
Emancipated myself from you.

Lose the excuses.
Leave out the pride.
Lost all respect.
Left me to cope .

Paralyzing anger.
Pointless conversations.
Promises broken.

Check in

feeling: overwhelmed

Sitting at my table, listening to my poor son try to get a nap in before bed tonight. He's not having it.
I'm thinking of all the things that have come up for me this week. This month even.

It gives me a tight knot deep inside me.

It's difficult to put into words...but that doesn't matter, because you're the only one listening and you already know.

But I wrestle with the words and struggle with these thoughts.

Whose thoughts are they? What or who makes them valuable?

How can you stand on the right side of controversy?
Truth is: if you are near controversy at all, then you're probably not standing, you're sinking or on your knees.
Is Truth relative?

Letting Go

Release therapy.
 Breathing in peace.
exhaling tension.

I'm about to embark on the biggest, hardest challenge life has thrown my way. Bigger than cutting GMOs from my diet, bigger then giving birth, bigger then planning my wedding, or buying my first car.

This is Huge.

This will change me.
This will change my life from here on.

It has to be done. For me, and for my family.

It's taken me almost three years to get to this point.
A lot has happened to reaffirm my decision.

I'm letting go.