stream of consiousness: rage, pain, suicide, and cruelty

a song came on the radio on the way to work today. it was a song dedicated to the fair, equal, and respectful treatment of women.
i cant think of anything that is treated fairly in this world. it's heartbreaking.
i just want to fix it all. go out there and change society, take away the hurt and the pain... it seams pointless almost. i feel like results take too long to occur and are often ignored.
just last night i was looking for a makeup brush, my first offical one, and being vegan, these things can be sort of tricky.
I found a few that i liked and in the process of checking if they were cruelty free, i found out what it means to test on animals.
they don't test at all, they torture; force feeding the animals, mainly bunnies, the product to the point of death. testing the product in the eyes and on shaved skin to get the point of irritation results. in china it is the law to test on animals before the product is sold. my favorite company, aveda, is owned by estelauder which is sold in china. when the animals are no longer needed for study their necks are broken.
when i learned this, i freaked.
forced feed the animals until they die from poisoning. i looked at my shampoo and thought, some animal had to drink this until they died.
what is wrong with this planet? what has happened to us?


just days ago i watched a video regaurding the ill treatment of the lgbt community. it asked the community the hard questions like "is being gay a choice?" and "if you could choose which would you pick?"
it was shoking but not really supprising what the answers were...it reminded me of myself and my own feelings.

I didn't choose to be who i am, I didnt choose to be born. I hate this world i live in and the people i support everyday ignorantly.
I hate the lack of compassion and my craving for freedom from the slavery of money and institutions. i hate it when people tell me to be positive.
being positive is torture in itself.
how can one be realistic and positive at the same time? in my opinion it is almost condicending.

IT'S TORTURE TO BE TOLD THAT THERE IS A HEVEAN WAITING FOR ME AFTER I DIE, BUT IM NOT ALLOWED TO COMMIT SUICIDE. I HAVE TO ENDURE THIS HELL OF A PLANET FOR AS LONG AS MY BODY WILL ALLOW ME FIRST.
I'M TOLD THAT THERE IS A GOD THAT LOVES AND ADORES ME THE WAY I WAS CREATED TO BE, BUT IF IM GAY HE BETRAYS AND ABANDONS ME.

I GO THROUGH THE PAIN OF CHILDBIRTH AND 16 YEARS LATER IM THE WORST MOM ON EARTH.

MY DESIRES AND MY HOPES WILL GO UNNOTICED IN THIS DEAD DREARY PLACE. NOTHING I THINK MATTERS. NO ONE CARES.
RIGHT?

WHO ARE MY FRIENDS REALLY?
OUT OF THE HANDFULL, WHO IS STILL WITH ME?
WHEN I DO PASS, WHO WILL REMEMBER ME?
WILL THAT MATTER?


I think to myself, "I need a therapist".
I realize that this is my therapy.
Maybe someone who needs it, will read and relate. After all, we are all in this together. Every living thing on every part of the planet all breathing this toxic air, drinking toxic water, and trying their best with what they were given.

I can look at my son and see the universe. His eyes are the brightest innocent blue. His skin is bright and soft and beautiful. He is learning, talking, and his hair is growing in a pale yellow color. I just want to hold him until he falls asleep and rests his head on my shoulder. He breaths in the same air as I do and I want to clean it before it reaches him. The first time I saw him I broken in two. My heart filled up with so much love that it poured out my eyes and nose.
I have never felt more alive in my whole life then that moment.
I will never give up because of him.
That is my promise to him.


This age/era of awakening has been painful.
I am not the same person I was yesterday, every new peice of information changes me. I am cynical, passionately outraged, and peacefully protesting.