I'm growing up.
Faster than I am told to, but not fast enough.
I'm waking up.
I'm going to be a momma, I'm going to be a spouse.
I am learning
I am growing
I am astounding.
I am a strong woman.
I work, I love, I listen, I play, I nurture.
I am doing everything the best way I feel how.
I am using the knowledge I have gained and the tools I have given myself.
I will never give up.
I will never hold back.
I will always make mistakes.
I will never stop loving myself for any choices I make.
I am going to learn to accept and let go of peoples opinions and judgments.
I can explain myself until I am blue in the face, but it will not keep the thoughts away or the stares at bay.
In the end it is just me and my perfect family doing the best we can.
I will learn to disown shame.
I will teach myself how to talk less and have higher quality thinking.
I want my voice to have value, I will not be disrespected, and I will be treated like a strong woman.
I am letting everything be okay.
Mister H
Sometimes I dream of you
So deep inside me, inside my womb
you are so small and beautiful.
I can feel your every move.
Imagining your face, your smile
I greatly anticipate your arrival.
I pray at night that you will love me
Prayers for daddy and his patience
Prayers that I will be the best I can be.
I can't count the hopes I have for you.
To me they are simple, but who can say?
Even simplest virtues get thrown away.
My baby,
live responsibly and regret free
be open minded and sweet
give what you want to give but not in obligation, in charity.
love who you are and dream
cherish simplicity, genuine nature, and purity
ignite passion in yourself and others
always show love in your actions
remember your strength and when to use it
let your voice be a reflection of your heart
whatever you believe, believe it fully
consider everyone and their stories
Love mommy.
My Human Struggles.
I used to mistake suffering with punishment.
I would think to myself, wow, I must have really done it this time.
It was a vast feeling of emptiness that came over me in realizing that this was my choice.
To feel like this. Like that HAD to be the one and only reason.
Knowing it wasn't and I could change this way of thinking was liberating.
I feel now that this destructive state of mind was just a stage in my development. As I became more and more self aware, I became world aware.
My thoughts began to shift and morals were altered. More people became important to me and I also hurt more because of it.
Thankfully I have learned to accept suffering and its important role in my mental and spiritual development.
In my observations, this acknowledgement has given me the power to overcome it and react to it in a healthier manner.
I can choose to act on it
or not.
When I let my suffering be a state, and not a stage, my life becomes livable again.
This just takes the mental effort of letting something just BE and not giving it the power to take over.
In other words, just letting everything BE OKAY.
Accept that what is happening is hurting you in some way, and dealing with it according to your best judgement at the time, but taking all parties involved into consideration.
My pain has given me the tools to shape my character and the humility to offer help when others face suffering.
It's a love hate relationship.
A Shell that I have become. For my mother
My body aches. My mind is blank.
I have no feeling. No laughter.
I can't rest if asleep and grow weary while awake
I can not be satisfied.
I thirst and thirst, Quench and Quench
but my evil body hates my spirit.
I dream awake, where my night-mares take place
and scream when I feel disaster.
My stomach implodes and my heart remolds
every time a thought wonders past her.
My aching brain can not take this pain.
I wish I could escape to green pastures.
My friends don't even recognize me.
My eyes are weary and alone,
My mouth quiet and monotone.
A helpless
dead
shell.
Written January 29, 2010 at 12:54am
I have no feeling. No laughter.
I can't rest if asleep and grow weary while awake
I can not be satisfied.
I thirst and thirst, Quench and Quench
but my evil body hates my spirit.
I dream awake, where my night-mares take place
and scream when I feel disaster.
My stomach implodes and my heart remolds
every time a thought wonders past her.
My aching brain can not take this pain.
I wish I could escape to green pastures.
My friends don't even recognize me.
My eyes are weary and alone,
My mouth quiet and monotone.
A helpless
dead
shell.
Written January 29, 2010 at 12:54am
Monster (Revised)
Behind the bedroom door there sits a man.
Bounded by chains and weighed down with those links; he never ever moves.
His thoughts run ramped and destroy everything, but he
never moves a muscle.
His beautiful wife would save him lovingly, willingly, but never has he asked her.The family waits and wonders. What is so great about that place he plays, in that realm away from true love.
she holds the key molded for thee but he would rather be a slave to his master.
His fantasy world lives and breathes around him, the real one does not matter.
The chains grow heavier, while the lock collects dust.
He smiles a dark devoted smile and whispers "I serve only one master"
and she serves him every night.
Bounded by chains and weighed down with those links; he never ever moves.
His thoughts run ramped and destroy everything, but he
never moves a muscle.
His beautiful wife would save him lovingly, willingly, but never has he asked her.The family waits and wonders. What is so great about that place he plays, in that realm away from true love.
she holds the key molded for thee but he would rather be a slave to his master.
His fantasy world lives and breathes around him, the real one does not matter.
The chains grow heavier, while the lock collects dust.
He smiles a dark devoted smile and whispers "I serve only one master"
and she serves him every night.
A True Christmas Story
A year has past since the event, today is the anniversary of your departure
from my heart.
Silence. Heartbreak.
Like the sound of glass shattering, my ears fill with an echoed Revelation.
It's Broken.
Shards spread all over the floor. The crystals in the cracks of my heart.
I can feel them when I breath
A sigh escapes my lips and disappears in this empty room.
Like a misguided child, my thoughts wonder around my temple, trapped in this cage of angst.
I miss the feeling of your warm arms around me and your heart beat.
The security. The safety.
This holiday plays a cold reminder of those days I lost my sense of well being.
Drowning in the sorrow of how things were, I can't help but look away from the future.
With every day that passes
I know you less and less.
Even with the world around me, I'm alone in my mind.
It breaks my heart knowing you are broken.
It Breaks my heart being torn aside.
I will learn to embrace this way of life you have chosen. I will learn to ignite the passion inside to overcome.
but for now
I miss you.
Dad,
Is it still you in there?
Written December 9, 2010 at 4:17pm
Three of Three
Help my lost and docile thoughts
not grow weary in search for you.
Come out of the darkness
and let your words Brighten us
So we will reflect your glory and overcome.
Whisper softly the truth that
SCREAMS out your mercy
and Stream Floods of grace that surpass the seas.
Catch my eyes Lord
Tug at my heart Lord!
Break your news to me.
Let it shatter my ears, and diminish my fears of ALL
those things Satan Convinces me.
Written February 28, 2011 at 11:26pm
Two of Three
Please help keep my mind from wondering far from your humble arms
outstretched towards me.
Longing to Love me.
Help me learn
like a scholar.
How to love
like a mother.
How to Persevere
like an Entrepreneur
How to follow
Like a servant
How to guide
Like you, My Father.
Help me dream like a child
Spread my love rampant and wild.
Help me hold up: like a "style," the reproducing organ to spread inspiration and your message
through the wind.
To Pollinate the wicked hearts and plant seeds in the less fertile Parts.
I'm growing a nation for you
Written February 28, 2011 at 11:18pm
Longing to Love me.
Help me learn
like a scholar.
How to love
like a mother.
How to Persevere
like an Entrepreneur
How to follow
Like a servant
How to guide
Like you, My Father.
Help me dream like a child
Spread my love rampant and wild.
Help me hold up: like a "style," the reproducing organ to spread inspiration and your message
through the wind.
To Pollinate the wicked hearts and plant seeds in the less fertile Parts.
I'm growing a nation for you
Written February 28, 2011 at 11:18pm
One of Three
Like Liquid Mercury running through my veins;
Your love and passion flow constantly.
keeping me stable and running.
Feeding me and sustaining me.
I drink your words into my soul
andtheynurishthisheavyheart:
the muscle that pushes your Life into my toes and up into my Eyes.
the words that build me
the words that wrap around me;
they embrace me.
My heart, that Pumps, and Thumps.
it Bleeds and Feeds my soul.
The constant dripping
and disbursing drops
flow like a flood out my mouth and fingertips.
Written Feb. 27, 2011
The Pledge.
I will be as honest as my human nature allows with the perspective I have gained.
I pledge to be open minded and true to my heart and consciousness.
My goal is to accept and overcome with a humble, passionate heart.
Although pain provides the best opportunity for honesty, I strive to allow my true, real ever-changing states to be present in my life and conversation, should it be asked of me. I will acknowledge the thoughts and urges but take control over my actions and determine whether or not to act upon them.
My Integral Journey Starts Here.
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