I would think to myself, wow, I must have really done it this time.
It was a vast feeling of emptiness that came over me in realizing that this was my choice.
To feel like this. Like that HAD to be the one and only reason.
Knowing it wasn't and I could change this way of thinking was liberating.
I feel now that this destructive state of mind was just a stage in my development. As I became more and more self aware, I became world aware.
My thoughts began to shift and morals were altered. More people became important to me and I also hurt more because of it.
Thankfully I have learned to accept suffering and its important role in my mental and spiritual development.
In my observations, this acknowledgement has given me the power to overcome it and react to it in a healthier manner.
I can choose to act on it
or not.
When I let my suffering be a state, and not a stage, my life becomes livable again.
This just takes the mental effort of letting something just BE and not giving it the power to take over.
In other words, just letting everything BE OKAY.
Accept that what is happening is hurting you in some way, and dealing with it according to your best judgement at the time, but taking all parties involved into consideration.
My pain has given me the tools to shape my character and the humility to offer help when others face suffering.
It's a love hate relationship.
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