Coming Clean

I’m sipping coffee,

thinking about

the one‐year anniversary of your attempted suicide—

how it almost took you from me

in three short minutes.

How the blood dried

in the crevasses of your nail beds

and filled the spaces

between the chips in your pink nail polish.

Your blood scattered like galaxies,

staining the floor of your apartment

and etching its map

on the floor of my heart.

I can’t scrub the planets

from the fibers there.

When I stood there,

I felt so small.

I wanted it clean.

I longed for you to come home,

to feel as if your life

and who you are, is a gift to this world

like I believe it is.

But the carpet wouldn’t brighten—

a sick reminder

of what being sick feels like,

not just for you,

but for me too.

In the hospital, I wept in the hallway.

I called Dad.

I lay on the waiting room floor

as you fought for every breath during surgery.

I wrote a poem every day.

When I visited, I sipped my coffee

and tried to make you smile.

I cried all the way home,

screaming in the parking lot of a church

so God could hear me.

It’s been a year,

and your scar still bleeds into me;

I catch the scent of bleach in its wake.

Yet in that lingering sorrow,

I now glimpse a tender dawn—

a quiet promise that even shattered galaxies

can rearrange into new constellations.

In each fragile morning, I find a whisper of healing,

reminding me that our scars are not merely echoes of pain

but the raw cartography of survival,

a map leading us back home.

The Sounds that Have Made Me

The sounds fill the space like light streaming through a window,

I close my eyes, longing to lie on the warm stone floor
of a cathedral—where sun pours through stained glass,
making art out of me, out of my body.

These sounds transport me to a realm of awe and unity;
bliss embraces me like a gentle, comforting embrace,
lifting me as if I were weightless.

I weep, overwhelmed by my soul expanding in this sacred space,
connecting me to love in its purest form—
allowing the worries of life to dissolve into distant memory.

Taking a deep breath, I behold the truth of all that is:
the energy, the light, the pulse of creation itself—
each moment a unique, beautiful expression of the source within me,
reminding me that I am all that surrounds and sustains.

In the music, in the sound, in the love,
I find my home—
reminding me that I am ever just a breath away 

from the infinite.

Cuffing Season

When I bloom, my pollen stains
everything it touches.

I plead,
breath me in
Let me color your cheeks.

Plant me deep inside you,
I will fertilize your soul.

I will tend to the garden,
in your heart.

When the flowers that grow
leave your mouth,
I will water them with mine.

Six Feet Under Hallow Earth

I was a ghost,
baring a heart, hollow from death.
  

Buried under feet,
lying like the salt between us. 

I watch as winter passes. 
The stones I placed set a path to the trees,
now dusted over.

It's still dark here,
even when the clouds drift. 

It's still night here,
even after the moon has came and went. 

I hope the tips of the pine 
poke holes in the sky and let the light in.

I'll haunt until the day I die, waiting for the sun to shine. 

Come Clean

Chipped pink nail polish
surrounded by dried blood. 

Finger nails and soft pale skin;
adorned with the crystals of mania.

Gripping my hands gently
from the hospital bed.

You snap at the doctor again,
to let your abusive boyfriend back in.

You tell me there is nothing to worry about,
right before the surgery.

When they said
you may never move your arm again.

The day you tried to die.

Her for You

I am trading eyelash shadows

For beautiful bare lips.

I am trading in the miniskirt and boots,

for the pair of perfectly white converse

and calloused fingertips. 

I’m trading in the beautiful buzzed, 

for the beautiful curls.

I am trading in the “oh honeys” 

and “wow, okay, hi's” 

and “actually I’m on a date” 

and “I’m sorry I should have told you the truth” 

and “I’m sorry, what were you saying?”

and “I work every day this week including doubles”

and "how can I un-salt the earth that I have already salted?"

For 

“I’m crazy about you” 

And “I just want you to be comfortable” 

And “where did you come from?” 

And “I can’t wait to see you”

And “Are we crazy?”

And “I can hardly stand to look at you, you’re so beautiful” 

And “I want to show you every day that you deserve the world"

And let me tell you, 

it’s not a trade at all...

It's an upgrade.

dreamer

I could know not 
what is spoken in sleep,
unless you slept next to me.

Even in my dreams you tell me
you could never love me.

I am a wild messy thing.

From far away.
I love the corners of your mouth.
From far away
I know you never loved me.

I am a wild messy thing.
Too much for you.
Too much for me.

If you think you could,
if you want to try,
I’ll still be dreaming 

of your goodbye.

A Ghost in the Water, a Distant Memory.

Stroke the sea
     with your paddle

Brush the tide 

     Like the fine hairs of time. 

The breeze passes through me,

a ghost in the water.

I sink to my knees in sand,

     cling to safety with twine.

Wrap myself in salt.

There are trees growing
in the place we last spoke.

I lift my eyes to the shimmer of light,

peaking through leaves,

and around the edges of your lips

in the distant memory.

Wishing on every star;

save me, please.

Darlin

You say:
"You are the sun"...

but
you don’t hold my hand in public.

 Your sun?

Don't you need my touch
on your skin for nourishment?

Don't you need
to feel my light on your body? 

If I am your sun,
why are you not my flower?

insomnia.

Water is the night 

and sleep is the ocean floor.

Drink up until the your weight drags you
down into darkness.

Lay against the floor of the ocean,
submerged in the depth of black. 

How badly do I wish keep from floating up to the surface.

I long to be buried in sleep,
 until my body grows roots in dream land. 

Little Sister

I love you
 and the warm glow
 that dances off your cheeks
 when sunlight meets your face. 

      I love you
 and the gentle touch
 of your hands on my face
 when you tell me 
you love me.

        I love you 
and the sweet look in your eyes
 when you share your secrets, when you listen to mine.     
     I love you 
and the smile that you grace me with
 when I see you; 
Every time.

          I love you
 and the raw wild spirit
 that you barely contain, that erupts inside you 
and makes you
 that volcanic being that you are. 

     I love you.           

Arizona

Staring out the car window. 

At 80 mph.
 Driving to yet another place
 I will eventually call home. 

Dreaming into the setting sun.

I feel the waves
start to flow over me.

Drink in the water. 

Breath it in.

Grief crashes in my lungs. 

Whirling in my chest
 around my heart.

In a few hours the tide will lower
and I'll be able to breath again. 

For now
 I'll choke on the pieces
 of this broken heart.  

Moon number 8

You
 are the moon.

 I tied a lasso,
 to catch you.
 Pull you close to me.

So close,
 tsunamis crash,
and nearly kill me.

You
rise the tide in me.
Rip me from the comfort
of my shores, into the depths of your passion.

You
are the melody I have been hearing since I was 5.
The one I heard
when I saw your curls bounce against your shoulders
and light shined through the strands.

I couldn’t name the tune
until I saw you.
When I heard your voice,
I knew.

You
are the song I have been humming
under my breath,
on the way to the car
to a scoop of my favorite ice cream with my mom.

You
are the natural disaster
that I have been reading about
in the papers;
on all the websites.

Destroy me.

I’ve been preparing for this moment
my whole life.

I want to be crushed
by the weight of your love,

Until I am one with the earth.

And what an honor
 that would be.

My friends are like magnets to me. 

I'm pulled to them. 

Wondering hands pulled to the napes of necks 

and small as of backs of all my friends. 

They twist in hair and locks tangle in the tips of my fingers. 

These strings of affection entwine and bind me to them. 

Smiles- long lasting, while eyes converse. No longer meeting but speaking intimately about the universe. 

No one is safe from my affections

I've embodied this intimacy and even still my transformation is not complete. I've been molting since I was 13. 

Benevolent blood brews in me. 

Bleeds and breathing in the intimacy 

Unconditionally. 

Bending and breaking the rules of society. 

My affections outstretch

And embrace. 

Beckoning me to bloom and blossom. 

My heart beats fluidity. 

Now you know how it works, how I function, 

What I see. 

Is this an illness or just me? 

Would I want to be cured from this unrelenting uncontrollable connectivity?

fooled again.

When I look at you

 I see a  love so big 

And I can’t swallow it 

Please nourish me love

I want to wrap my arms around it 

crawl deep inside it

I try to explain it, 

Every moment is poetic. 

I could write a verse about how you hold my hand

About how your eyelash shadows cast on your cheek bones

Every tear you shed in joy or pain..

 i feel drip through my veins.

Your eye contact is 

foreplay

More than contact

A fucking conversation. 

I tell you this truly

 i always want to lick your face.

To taste the beauty on my tongue
  LORD have mercy 

It’s a beauty i can’t digest. 

Singing that 
"hands are the organs of feeling"

Together in harmony.

I’ve been writing vows for you since we met. 

A smile so big her lips won't touch

Can't hold it in

There are others facing more trauma than me

There are those who are facing killers eye to eye.

  Breath bellowing deep into their chests. 

There are those feeling heart beats with their hands bump and slowly faded into darkness. 

I just face the wind against my face and the distain in your heart for me. 

I tried to leave. 

Now just trapped in this hell

Surrounded by the glass made up of documents bound together by the glue of your Wallet and malice. 

 

I can see the life I wanted with the baby biologically blessed in my possession

Never to be touched but for more than a moment in memory or in day dream. 

 

Hope Chest

Dust thinly layers the glossy wood finish of this furniture.
Deep inside are paper pieces of memories, in disarray.

Ironically, this hope chest keeps secret fears frozen in time.
Ironically, this wooden casket remains centerpiece in my bedroom.

Sometimes, before the sun finishes setting, the last bit of light travels through the broken shades on my window and illuminates the worn cherry wood.

I stare for a while to see if the past tries to climb out and greet it, but it stays hidden in the shadows of time.

I dare not make known my curiosity.

I fear the awakening of the malice hidden within.

So we both sit, and speak not of the existence of one another,

for 10 years.

Mother Moments.

I can't describe the sorrow that fills me
when you say her name.

They keep telling me that I can't be replaced, that you will always love me,
but I grow weary.

Singing the ocean song through the phone
into your adolescent ears.

You ask me to sing it again and again.

But my love cannot be voiced, with the gentle surrender I can't keep from wobbling.

You couldn't know the reasons,
far too young to understand.

dreading the sound of goodbye, hoping it's not for good.
never underestimate a resentful heart.

Even still,
he can not fathom
the strength of a broken mother
on her way to get her only son back
from his malicious father.

Even if it can't be forever, mother moments are a years time.

Bound by sandstone and dehydration.

All the promises that were made to me

And broken

All the foundations I have set down 

are shaken. 

I stare into my future and see a bare blanket of fabric. 

Too soft ,

and even too thin to be felt.

Where will this desert take me next? 

Arizona

Arizona

Arizona

I might rot here before I die. 

My son, know I will stay here for you. 

A mothers only wish is that father stops trying to kill her. 

Taking you away is removing the breath from my lungs. 

Arizona 

Arizona

Arizona

Please spare me. 

Landscapes and Hearbreak.

A smile so big her lips won't touch

Can't hold it in

There are others facing more trauma than me

There are those who are facing killers eye to eye.  Breath bellowing deep into their chests. 

There are those feeling heart beats with their hands bump and slowly faded into darkness. 

I just face the wind against my face and the distain in your heart for me. 

I tried to leave. 

Now just trapped in this hell

Surrounded by the glass made up of documents bound together by the glue of your Wallet and malice. 

 

I can see the life I wanted with the baby biologically blessed in my possession

Never to be touched but for more than a moment in memory or in dream.